PATENTLY ABSURD!

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International selection

Many links on this site use the Espacenet database to view patents.
Patent drawing: WO02069773 International Patent Application No. WO02069773. A toilet seat, invented in Germany. Side pieces 14b, 15b slide apart under the user's weight. This spreads the user's buttocks apart, making defaecation easier and more comfortable. It also contributes to personal hygiene by preventing soiling in the area around the anus.
An earlier French Patent Application No. FR2739014 has been cited in the official search against the above international patent application. This describes a toilet seat that works on a rather similar principle, so it will be interesting to see if patents are eventually granted on the later international application. Patent drawing: FR2739014
Patent drawing: FR2780195 French Patent No. FR2780195. A sun-dial for a gravestone. A gnomon 8 casts a shadow 9 on the gravestone 1. Curves 3,4,6 indicate anniversaries, e.g. of the deceased's dates of birth and death, and/or a religious festival such as All Saints' Day. The positions of the curves are calculated such that on the appropriate date, the respective curve is picked out by the shadow 9.
The above French patent was granted despite an earlier Japanese Patent Application No. JP09-256683. This describes a similar idea, but embellished with a solar-powered fibre-optic display. Additionally, the gnomon may be in the form of a golf putter, to celebrate the deceased's favourite game. Patent drawing: JP09-256683
Patent drawing: US6325727 US Patent No. US6325727. An underwater golf swing training device. It has a hydrodynamically adjustable paddle 13 that can be altered manually. This provides a variable resistance to the user as he swings the device through the water.
German Patent Application No. DE4020440. The "Go-Matic" device for hygienic removal of dog excrement. It comprises a plastic tube with two open ends. One end is connected to an all-purpose suction unit, while the other is inserted in the dog's anus. A funnel around the tube sits against the animal's buttocks, to prevent unnecessary spattering.

The "Go-Matic" device prevents the soiling of parks and play areas. It can also be used on human patients suffering from chronic constipation.

Patent drawing: DE4020440
Patent drawing: WO9939598 International Patent Application No. WO9939598. Headgear in the form of a portable container (a beer barrel?). It has a spigot 14 for dispensing the contents by gravity or pressure. Or the spigot may have a hose so that the contents can be dispensed by suction direct to the wearer's mouth. The headgear can also include a cooling system; a heating system; an audio system; and/or a visual system.
US Patent No. US4233942. A device for protecting the ears of a long-haired dog from becoming soiled by food while it is eating. A tube contains and protects each of the dog's ears. The tubes are held away from the dog's mouth and food as it eats. Patent drawing: US4233942
Patent drawing: US4773863 US Patent No. US4773863. A urinal with amusement features. Discourages the inadvertent or intentional diversion of urine outside the proper receptacle. Urine is detected by pressure or temperature sensors 12, sending an electrical signal to a control unit 16. This activates a loudspeaker 28 and video screen 24, to provide audio and visual signals. The combination of sight and sound may be varied by the user upon proper direction of the urine stream, and the user is actively involved in his own amusement.
US Patent No. US4429685. A method of growing unicorns. It is claimed to produce a unicorn of higher intelligence and physical attributes, useful as a guard animal. (You might not want to know, but the method involves surgical alteration of a one-week old goat, so that its two horn buds will grow together.) Patent drawing: US4429685
Patent drawing: US4734078 US Patent No. US4734078. A brassiere which surrounds the breasts with water, so that a buoyant force provides improved and independent support for each breast. A transparent version is suggested for those who wish to make a fashion statement.
French Patent Application No. FR2694256. An amphibious horse drawn light vehicle, with floats 13 associated with the harnessing shafts. A preferred form has tricycle wheels which can be raised and lowered to provide pedal assistance. Optionally there may be paddles on the rear wheels. Patent drawing: FR2694256
Patent drawing: FR2640874 French Patent Application No. FR2640874. The ultimate in safe sex. A whole body suit made from a transparent plastic such as PVC. A condom 4 is attachable to the suit. Protects against sexually transmitted diseases.
International Patent Application No. WO9701384. A leash for walking an imaginary pet. It has a preformed shape and supports a simulated pet harness 42 and collar 54. A micro loudspeaker in the collar is connected to an integrated circuit in the handle, to produce a variety of barks, growls etc. Patent drawing: WO9701384
Patent drawing: US5163447 US Patent No. US5163447. A condom which incorporates a miniature force-sensitive sound-playing unit. This contains a chip-controlled piezoelectric sound transducer which plays a melody or voiced message during intercourse.


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Copyright Tim Jackson 1998-2003
Last revised: 29 November 2003.

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